Today during my scripture study I read the verse from 1 Nephi 4:10.
And it came to pass that I was constrained by the Spirit that I should kill Laban; but I said in my heart: Never at any time have I shed the blood of man. And I shrunk and would that I might not slay him.
I was actually studying this in German, and when I came across the words “ich schrekte zurück” and translated them to “I shrank back,” it reminded me of my experience with singing in the stake choir and the CES Devotional by Elder Bednar that was shown during one practice. I looked it up again and read it.
Never at any time in my life have I needed to hear what Elder Bednar quoted from Elder Maxwell.
Not shrinking is better than surviving.
I have been shrinking back this entire time in Germany. I have allowed my fears to overcome my faith. I am scared to speak German. I don’t know why exactly. I don’t feel like I am afraid to make mistakes. I just feel like I am so inadequate! Sometimes I just don’t know where to begin and my mind goes blank. Another quote by Elder Bednar:
[T]heir experience was not primarily about living and dying; rather, it was about learning, living, and becoming.
That is what I want. I want to have bold faith in the Lord; trust in Him and his timing for everything. I am not even searching for peace that many need amidst a difficult trial. I just want confidence- confidence to move forward in life in a place where I feel so completely different and insufficient. I want to learn. I want to truly live. And I want to become whatever it is the Lord would have me be. I know this opportunity is part of the Plan for me. I feel like we have been moving toward this for a long time. So I want to rise to the challenge and be led by the Spirit to accomplish whatever it is the Lord desires.
I’ll go where you want me to go, dear Lord,
Over mountain or plain or sea;
I’ll say what you want me to say, dear Lord;
I’ll be what you want me to be.
THAT is my goal.